Bloggers Against Gratuitous Spooge

Spooge: Not Just for Dinner Anymore

2007-07-12T15:20:00.000-07:00

This isn't necessarily a post about spooge, although I did have quite a bit of same all over my upper abdominal area last night before it was graciously mopped up by my new "friend" with his t-shirt.

What did that t-shirt ever do to him?

He was concerned that those suckers could swim. I don't think they'll be going much of anywhere, though, considering his advancing age and pretty regular herbal gerbalism. Like a friend of mine who couldn't manage to impregnate his wife, his swim team is probably more than a little confused. Dude was told they had something something lack of motility, i.e. they were swimmin' in circles. Duuuuude, Where's My Ovum?...was that a Fallopian tube? No, dude, it's your ball sack. Wrong way, duuude.

OK, so this wasn't supposed to be a post about spooge. It was supposed to be about my attempt at dating again, after 5 or so years of hanging on, tick-like, to a mostly disinterested party who still makes me dinner, and does my laundry, in return for ?!!? Freakin' bizarre. But I will say it's been refreshing to have him around after being wanted only for sex. It's just a little disconcerting to go from that to being wanted for everything but. I mean, it's not the whole enchilada, sex. But it's, like, the cheese, or something - and, like enchiladas, I'd like it to be a more or less regular part of my life.

Only trouble is, I'm a bit rusty in the ways of spooge, or at least their somewhat gracious hosts. It's taken the better part of a month just to wrap my head around even entertaining the thought of exciting and new spooge entering my...uh, life.

Among my many concerns:

-Will he be too big?
-Will he be too small?
-Will I be too big?
-What if that Korean food I ate 2 days ago backfires?
-What if he's too fingerbangy and it makes me queef?!
-What if he doesn't like blow jobs?
-What if he only likes blow jobs?
-Will he try to suck my toes? I hate that.
-Does he have mood lighting?
-Does he have any lighting?!
-What if he wears black socks to bed?
-Will he play bad music and expect me to f@#! to it?!
-Is my poonstache too long/short/firecrotchy?
-Should I shave it off? He has claimed he is "tidy".
-Will I have to lick his balls? Are they "tidy"?
-Will he at least wash them?
-Will his breath smells like sour milk?
-Will I be able to beat a hasty retreat?
-What if he beats me to my hasty retreat, kicks my a** out on the street, and I'm left standing in the driveway wondering "wha' happen?"
And most importantly (and horrifyingly),
-Will I have to put my finger up his butt?!
-Even if not, does he want me to put my finger up his butt?!

I mean, there are worse things. Like he could want me to bend over and eat out of a trough while he f*$!s me from behind. (This is a new one on me, folks.)

Postscript: Not bad, not bad at all, with the exception of what Avatar calls some attempted illicit toe-banging. After, he did offer to make me macaroni and cheese, which is normally the key to this closet eater's heart, but what if it leads to "feeding"? Or whatever you call that kink?! What if he only wanted to make me dinner so he could spooge in it and whack off while I ate it, bent over a trough or no...?!

Oh, help.

Sperm bandit

2005-05-20T16:53:00.000-07:00

Speaking of spooge-filled PreggoTwinkies, Avatar...I came...uh, across this while searching for...you know.

Horror of horrors, it's a song!

Sperm Bandit was influenced by Dotun Adebayo’s book and documentary “Sperm Bandit” about the modern day phenomena of some women acquiring the sperm of a male partner unbeknown [sic] to the man for the purpose of pregnancy with no intention of any further requirements of the man…

I mean, I support father's rights as much as the next unknocked-up person, but do we have to sing about it...? And there's a ~~dickumentary~~ ~~cockumentary~~ documentary? I need to see this, but I'm afraid it might take place within the punanny of a spooge-filled sperm burglar.

Slap a glove on that puppy (and flush) or better yet, get a vasectomy, guys. And where the hell is that male birth-control pill?!

I'm horrible

2005-05-18T17:38:00.000-07:00

I confess: every time I see a pregnant woman or a woman with kids, I think briefly about how much sticky, slimy, warm spooge she had to have just chillin' inside her vag for lengthy periods of time in order for it to happen.

DEATH BY SPOOGE

2005-05-18T11:32:00.000-07:00

Help! Spooge has done a hostile takeover on my blogroll...!

You never can trust that junk.

That spoogy-clean feeling..

2005-05-15T06:38:00.000-07:00

A particularly gross occurrence at my work lately - soft soap dispensers in the bathroom that usually give out a pink soapy stuff have been modified. Now they are stainless steel protrusions that ejaculate a stream of white goop into your hands.

Am I being oversensitive in not wanting to wash my hands with sperm? I think I might have to take my chances with the junkie infested public toilets nearby.

Wrong!

2005-03-10T15:12:00.000-08:00

So very wrong.

Jizz Gets in Your Eyes...

2005-02-25T10:52:00.000-08:00

To the tune of "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes" (by Kern and Harback for the musical "Roberta" in 1933!)

They, asked me how I knew,
My true love was true,
I of course replied, something here inside,
Can not be denied.

They, said some day you'll find,
All who love are blind,
When you heart's on fire, you must realize,
Jizz gets in your eyes.

So I chaffed them, and I gaily laughed,
To think they would doubt our love,
And yet today, my love has gone away,
I am without my love.

Now laughing friends deride,
Tears I cannot hide,
So I smile and say, when a lovely flame dies,
Jizz gets in your eyes,

Jizz gets in your eyes.

Put that in your jizz-pipe and smoke it.

Tenacious Spooge

2005-02-17T08:50:00.000-08:00

If you haven’t seen the short films included on the Tenacious D DVD The Complete Masterworks, then you simply have no idea how outrageously gratuitous the use of spooge on film can be. Trust me, this one takes the cake.

... And then ices it with spooge.

Word of caution

2005-02-13T15:20:00.000-08:00

To those turned off by spooge reminders the day after, steer clear of dark-colored bed linens.

Trust me.

Jizz Protocols

2005-01-02T17:21:00.000-08:00

The other day - that would be yesterday for any of you hung-over sots - I was doing the late afternoon lunch thing with my potential. Hadn't really discussed much beyond what an idiot our waiter was and how nice the bread was and how much we - well, I - needed more caffeine. Poor Forrest Gump waiting tables at a chain restaurant - the waiter basically thought I'd been in the service industry because I used the phrase "on the fly." Lordy. I don't think he's management material.

Anyway, not having discussed our dining choices, The Potential in his oh-so-retro show of manners lets me order, then comes out with his order, swapping the broccoli listed on the menu for asparagus.

Asparagus

If you've never gone down on someone who had asparagus for dinner, lunch, etc., and never yourself plowed through a pound of it for an entire meal, then gone to the bathroom only to be met by one of the oddest odors ever, let me quote from dontspitswallow.com:

At the same time, you should also limit your intake of foods that break down into strong tasting or smelling chemicals that are excreted by the body, like asparagus.

Being an impulsive kind of gal, when The Potential gave his order, I did the head snap and said, "What?!" Even Forrest had to have gotten it. I know the Potential did. I even think he and I talked about it very briefly, but the moment's humiliation has burned that out of my memory.

This being very early in my getting to know The Potential, I feel like I overstepped my boundaries. Who am I to tell him what to eat and what not to eat on the off-chance that he'll spill his seed in my mouth instead of the business end? Anyone else ever have to negotiate dining choices with your significant others? I mean, it's not a one-way street - it affects all fluid secretions.

Is there no polite way to spit...?

2004-12-28T14:39:00.000-08:00

This is for Avatar, but I invite you all to comment (unless, of course, you've never needed to spit or swallow spooge, in which case you can use your imagination, I suppose.)

Me, I don't have a problem with The Spooge as long as it doesn't leave the various and sundry orifices in which it belongs.

However, it has a nasty, filthy habit of (to quote Paul Simon) slip sliding away. Besides, there are those among us who do not care for the weird, funky-salty taste. And sometimes, even I will admit it is downright foul. That being in the case of a frequent cigar smoker. Gah...!

In the latter case, or for those of us who are phobic of weird textures, what the hell do you do with it? I am at a loss to think of a polite way to get rid of it.

Going hhhork...PTOOEY! is definitely out of the question, although it would be funny (a spooge spit-take, if you will.)

Going hhhork...PTOOEY! into a doily? Still rather crude.

Hrm. What would Miss Manners do...?

We could ask, but somehow I don't think she would dignify that with a response.

I knew a girl who used to get up and run to the bathroom, or less often, demurely spit it into a tissue. That was if she opted to go downtown at all. Now she's married. Typical. And I thought she just sucked figuratively.

Me, I'd spit it into his sock. I understand that's what you guys do when you're alone, anyway.

Moral of the story? Never touch a man's used socks.

Any other suggestions? With the horking and the ptooiing...?

How about you, there, in the back...with the suspiciously starched-looking socks?

Go ahead.

This

2004-12-08T19:28:00.000-08:00

is the kind of gratuitousness that simply must stop.

Sweet merciful Jaysus

2004-11-18T18:43:00.000-08:00

Some people are fucked up, man. I strongly advise that you avoid looking at either the recipes or the food pictures. Dayum.

[link via MeFi]

Poetry Corner

2004-11-13T20:08:00.000-08:00

I now present my poems on spooge....

PROOF OF LOVE

I arise, and something slides

Thickly, warmly down my thighs.

This is all of you I own

When I awake alone, alone.

ODETTE ON SEMEN

Giver of life,

Conveyor of sin,*

And always welcome

To run down my chin.

Ladies and gentlemen, I thank you. Good night.

*curtsy*

(*Lutheran doctrine)

spoogerama

2004-11-07T23:40:00.000-08:00

While realizing it's hardly current I saw the most gratuitous ever use of spooge in a (non-porn) movie the other day. Well, two movies really. Ghostbusters and the sequel (startlingly called Ghostbusters 2).

The first contains the classic spooge-on-the-library-catalogue scene. Which, as a child of librarians, I object to on many levels. But also find strangely arousing.

Then there's the "He slimed me" line. Sorry Bill? Shouldn't that be "that ectoplasmic green guy just spooged in my hair"? Then it disappeared through a wall. Wham bam thank you Mr Murray.

Followed shortly after by the unleashing of the proton packs and "don't cross the streams" bit. Those things were just laser spooge really. Well, kinda. Hell you look to closely and there's spooge everywhere.. Watch where you step.

And of course the everyone-absolutely-covered-in-spooge finale. With added spooge deluge for the EPA guy. Well done boys, spooge all round.

But the sequel.. Oh.My.God.

It should have been titled "Revenge of the Spooge". Or "When Spooge Goes Bad". Or "Spooge Does New York". Or something. I mean this spooge was nasty. Some of it even tried to eat Sigourney Weaver and, while I'd have to agree with it's choice (having had adolescent fantasies about eating her), there's something very very wrong about being attacked by spooge.

There was a river of the stuff. Which the team joyfully jumped into of course, rich pickings for a Freudian analyst I sure. And the evil spooge went on to engulf a museum. That's some funky spunk.

But of course our intrepid boys capture and tame some of it by being nice and happy and playing nice happy music. I would have though Barry White would be more appropriate but then there's only so much you can slip past the censors, and Mr White usually accompanies an R rating.

Then in the Grand Spooge Finale they use disturbingly phallic devices to squirt bucketloads of it all over the Statue of Liberty. What the..?! And this spoogebath apparently makes her want to go for a wander into downtown NY, possibly in search of a really big cigarette. Are there any New Yorkers out there? Would you line the streets to cheer a cum-stained statue walking though the city? The mind boggles.

But all credit to the writing team who managed to sell "giving Lady Liberty a pearl necklace" as a marketable plot (once again to a non-porn producer).

Um, thanks. This post brought to you by gratuitous use of the word "spooge".

Here's spooge in your eye.

2004-10-29T09:34:00.000-07:00

Have you ever gotten it in your eye...?

I know a guy who shot it into his own ear. Don't ask. I think he was just young and inexperienced and didn't understand about spooge trajectories.

At least he wasn't alone at the time. Teenage males' spooge can reach such high velocity that it could be dangerous. You could put an eye out with that.

I did date a really vapid male model once. He imbibed a great deal of various substances. Sometimes he would take Ecstasy and call me at 4 a.m. I would be practically clawing at the door to escape by the time he was through with me. StoOpid male models.

Anyway, once "it" went up, and it didn't come down. Maybe it hit the ceiling?! We couldn't figure out where it went. Apparently, models are so dense, they can't even keep track of their own spooge.

My hypothesis is that maybe, due to DitzBoy's extremely high blood-alcohol content, his spooge just immediately evaporated.

Beware of spooge, my friends. Sometimes it can behave in an unpredictable manner.

Perhaps we should consider wearing protective goggles at all times.

Crusty, yucky edibles

2004-10-15T18:04:00.000-07:00

Will condiment manufacturers ever invent a tasty topper that doesn't crust up at the edges while in your fridge? I hate that glob of dried spooge on my mustard. And I hate the runny yellow spooge that ejaculates onto the hot dog if you don't shake the living shit out of that fucker before you squeeze it.

Urban wildlife

2004-10-13T23:23:00.000-07:00

Okay, so you've heard the expression that business ethics is similar to ratfucking? After today, I can officially say that no, business ethics is nothing like ratfucking, because as of today, I have seen rats fuck.

I know, I know. Scarring as it may be, I was walking through one of L.A.'s mysterious back-street alleys when I heard some royal squeakage and looked over -- there they were, going at it like a couple of porn stars on coke. And I think it's a pretty sad commentary on my state of affairs when rats are getting it on more frequently than I am. But at least my spooge isn't going anywhere it's not supposed to be.

In other spooge-related news, two active-duty U.S. Army soldiers were caught having sex at the Alamo. Talk about rockin' the casbah.

Don't spooge on the subway

2004-10-11T17:08:00.000-07:00

This morning on the Metro, I was unable to look away as an older woman carefully picked her own ear spooge, looked at it, sniffed it, and then flipped it off her finger.

From now on, I will be much more careful about where I sit.

Not to mention the Mystery Spooge that has adhered itself to the ass of my favorite grey pants. No idea what it is, or where it came from...but the bus is highly suspect.

People should really keep their spooge to themselves, except in very intimate situations - and even then, for the good of the public health, they should keep it contained.

Wear a body condom.

This has been a Public Spooge Announcement.

German Spooge -- now with extra farvergnugen

2004-10-06T19:44:00.000-07:00

Some guy in Berlin fell asleep in a porn shop's video booth, then set off the burglar alarm when he woke up in the middle of the night after the place had closed and tried to get out.

And yet, after reading that, the only thing I can think of is the scene from Clerks where Randal wonders about the average hourly pay of a jizz-mopper.

Biography

2004-10-06T13:17:00.000-07:00

It started like this:

Pisser said:

"FACK. Now we've got spooging in cereal and ink cartridges? What next, squeeze mayonnaise?!"

To which I responded:

"OK, where do I sign up for the "Bloggers Against Gratuitous Spooge" club? It'd be worth the initiation alone."

And then Keith said:

"Avatar, where do I sign up for your organization? I see you've already come up with the easy-to-remember acronym "BAGS." Maybe I can contribute the tagline: "Spooge -- it just ain't cool."

Directives

2004-10-06T11:59:00.000-07:00

For access to post anti-spooge rants, anecdotes, scientific findings, etc., please e-mail me: avatar_socalian AT hotmail DOT com.

Welcome!

2004-10-06T11:58:00.000-07:00

Let the madness begin.